Yesterday......

At least yesterday things seemed like there was something.
Someone.
Tangeble.
Palpable.

Today....

Nothing.

No one.

We were not meant to be this.
Of each day being less than we were.

I remember that yesterday there was someome.
I can remember that she was there.

That there was....somebody.....

I know she was everything to me.
Now a dull grey image that says everything but feels smooth and shapeless.

Sullen.

Ashen Grey.

She is there as a bleached image.
As though found frozen in time.
I can remember the image.

Not the voice.

She exists as only words on a page in my mind.

As though a moment in history without life.
All viewed through an aperture.
Shrinking.

I try.

Try to remember.
The more I try the harder my mind fights to remove self.
Each time I try harder.
Occasionally I get closer and further away.
There is a moment.
But monochrome.

A color not grey.

Red.
Piercing.

Loud.

And then nothing.
It goes away.

And then I am back in ash and silence.

She has retreated into the folds of my mind.

Eventually, never to be seen again.

Buried in a shallow grave in grey matter.

Each day I see more of the same.

More habitual than alive.
Here is todays itenerary.
Sir, you missed your appointment at 3!

We will have to reset the whole day again.
Tomorrow we will try again.

But just for a second I see and hear, and even smell pain.
Red, loud, piercing, raw and then nothing.

It was shorter but more intense.

It is starting to feel like I live between two equally antithetical moments.

To live within a paradox.

To know this is not the way things are supposed to be but yet I seem to want to exist here.
Nothing else could expain why I reopeat this over and over and over again.
Maybe someday I will know.

But I already do!

I similteneously sceam into the void and pull it around me as if the arms of a lover.

Wait!

How long have I been here?

Wait!

Who the hell are you?

My mouth opens in a silent scream and then I forget.

I need to rest / escape.

There is someone in the grey.

I can see the eyes!

They terrify me.

So I close the visions and keep them closed as long as curioustiy will allow.

I will pass this way again.

And again.

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I try to write whenever I have episodes. I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and a few other Dys-Somethings that were ratified by the DSM-5. This is something that comes up occasionally. My mate of 15 years killed herself in 2014 with my shotgun. She did this after her doctor and the out of control medical system (Obama-Fuck) prescribed her a pain medication that was so addictive that when she ran short it was so overwhelming that she couldn't handle it anymore. I came home to the smell of gunpowder and the visual of viscera in the extreme. 

The thing is that when you are exposed to trauma that severe and that deep, your mind automatically shuts down most of the emotions and memories concerning the trauma. After, I developed a stutter for a few months and while I could remember my mate, it was more as remembering words on a page. Formless, emotionless, senseless. I knew her information but I couldnt remember her face, her voice or anything about her personally. That was except for moments of screaming clarity that would blast in from time to time. 

I have been dealing with trauma most of my life. This was just one bit of it. It is however best to express it. Even if it seems like its meaningless. Just remember to be careful what you tell your doctor, they can fuck up your life at a whim. And most of those fuckers are soy cucks.