Not sure why I decided to write this, but here goes. I started out life, in an apartment, in a shitty neighborhood in NY. When mom and my aunt took me and my cuz to the park, they had to clean up broken glass and look out for junkie needles before they could set us loose. Being a white boy in a shit neighborhood filled with minorities, I had to learn how to fight. If I had some quarters to buy some ice cream or whatever, someone would try to take it. I lived here until the summer between 3rd and 4th grade. Then pops managed to move us into a more rural/suburban area of NY.
Now, the area was pretty rich I guess, pops could just barely afford us living there. Most of the kids in my year were more on the rich side. I got fucked with a lot for not having the cool brand name clothes. For having to brown bag a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich and an apple, while they got money to buy lunch, and soda, and snacks. I had to stay home for a lot of the class trips. I think it was made worse, knowing I could beat any one of these fuckers to a pulp, but I didn't want to dissapoint mom and pops. So I just took it, trying to pretend it didn't bother me. I cried a lot of tears of rage at night. Instead of turning my rage outward, it was turned inward. This went on until 8th grade. One day, like many others, I was staring at my wrists, trying to think of a reason not to open it up with a utility knife. I kinda snapped I guess. I thought, shit, if I am sitting here thinkin life was so shit I might as well end it, why am I worried about getting in trouble? I decided next person to pop off at the mouth was going to get it.
Next day, it happened in the gym locker room. Some retard decided to make a snide comment to me, don't even remember what it was really. I threw the kill switch and it was on. I don't really remember much of it, other than I did not stop beating his fuckin face, until the two gym teachers came in and peeled me off him. I really fucked him up. He was rushed out in a ambulance and everything. I felt a little bad, but damn it did feel good. All that pent up rage, years worth, released on his stupid face. I was expelled for the rest of they year, and had tutors come to my house in the afternoons for schooling. My grades miraculously went through the roof, now that I wasn't dealing with daily torment. Not that my grades were horrible before, but the lowest grade ended up being a 90 I think.
Getting back into the swing of things, and dealing with stupid ass kids took a few months to readjust to, but it was going well. The high school was not just the kids I been going to school with for the past few years, but a few different school districts merged to form a large high school. I was slowly reinventing myself I guess. I found myself hanging with more of the "cool crowd", took up smoking. Things were going pretty good, at least in my young mind. One day, one of the senoirs I sometimes played craps with pulled me aside for a chat. Seems the friday coming up was dubbed "freshman friday", and some of the senoirs would beat up a freshman. One of those seniors, was the big brother of the kid I fucked up the year before, seems he heard talk that him and his friends set their sights on me. OK.
So friday comes, they find between periods, and talk tough, start coming at me. I pulled out a huge knife, they turn tail and run like the wind. Cool, crisis averted, didn't even have to slice anyone open. A few periods later the guards come for me in my classroom. Someone ratted me out. I had the knife hidden well enough. Emptied my pockets, shook my coat upside down, emptied my backpack. Wasn't until the principal threatened to have me strip searched I gave it up. I didn't know nothing about my rights back then, so I cracked. Expelled again for the rest of the year. It was then I was labelled a "bad kid" for the rest of my school carreer.
The next year I didn't even have a chance really. Third day of school, guard pulls me out of class to the principal, claims the guard caught me smoking, suspended for a week. It was bullshit, when I smoked, I did it off school grounds. That went on for a few months, then I just stopped going into school. Would take the bus there, then walk off, go hang with the stoners in the woods. Wasn't long before I too was getting high every day too. Might as well if I was there right. Failed the year, got expelled for good. Ended up on probation, and in one of those "bad kids" schools, where they need armed guards and metal detectors and shit. School was a joke, not sure how these places exist, I guess it was that "no kid left behind" bullshit. The work was like 5th grade level shit, bored me to tears. Teachers refused to give me real shit at the high school level. I ditched scool most of the week, went one or two days a week stoned off my ass, finished the weeks work and took the weekly test. End of senoir year the principal was like you have too many absences, you are probably gonna fail the year. Probation was up that summer, I said I aint coming back so fuck it. Thought I dropped out lol. Few years down the line, asshole principal of my "home school" calls me up. Same one that expelled me, he was like we have been holding the diploma for years, you want it, come pick it up. Gonna toss it out end of the week. Made his secretary give it to me lol.
That's all I got time to write at the moment, as if anyone gonna read this shit anyways lol. If you made it to the end, you probably know me better than anyone other than my blood.