A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.

"No I did not," the doctor said.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way.

The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere.

A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

A MAN IS SITTING NEXT TO A WOMAN ON A PLANE...

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?”

“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman smiled, “Pepper.”

A woman called the florist shop to complain.

She had just sent flowers to her daughter who had relocated her business because it was booming and needed to expand.

"I ordered these flowers for her," the woman said, "and what you delivered had on the card 'Our Deepest Sympathy.' What do you have to say?"

There was complete silence.

"Well???" she asked again.

"Sorry," the florist replied, "I was just thinking of the flowers we sent to the funeral home with the tag 'Best of Luck In Your New Location.'"

A Catholic priest was riding on a train. A drunken man with a lipstick mark on his cheek stumbled in carrying a newspaper and reeking of cheap cigar smoke. He sat down next to the priest.
The drunk glanced up and asked “Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest snapped “Too much drinking, smoking, and cavorting with loose women!”
The drunk man raised an eyebrow. “Well, I’ll be damned.”
A few minutes later, the priest felt bad about snapping at the drunk and said “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I didn’t mean to make light of your arthritis.”
The drunk said… “It’s not me, Father. I just read the Pope has it.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..
I just lost it ! ......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had ....Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"

A husband and wife who work for a circus went to an agency to adopt a child, but social workers raised doubts about their suitability:

So the couple produced photos of their motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers were satisfied, but then raised concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.

The husband put their mind at ease, saying "We have arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."

Next the social workers expressed concerns about a child being raised in a circus environment.

The wife explained "Our nanny is a qualified expert in pediatric care, welfare and diet."

The social workers were finally satisfied and asked "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

The husband said "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs

“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”